INDULGENT WITH A SWEET TOOTH!
As I try and move forward, I find myself one step forward and two steps back. The never ending confusion and emotional strain of what to do for the best of my children. The father on and off the scenes, picks and chooses when he wants to be part of the girls life, it is throughly exhausting and a mental havoc on us all. A huge part of me genuinely wishes he would leave us alone and stay away for good, am I being selfish? He is still the childrens father, the children love him unconditionally and is it fair on him or the kids to deprive them of having a relationship with their dad? I would want nothing more than for the girls to a good stable relationship. With this in mind, I have continiously supported and went along with any form of contact, at the same time aware it is chaotic and unsettling for the children, perhaps unhealthy too. The girls feel hurt, upset, angry and dismissive when they are let down by their father. It is heart breaking to watch them that way, just as it is heart warming watching them smiling when their father steps up and decides to be a "dad" to them.
As a result of this chaos, I find myself indulging in naughty but delicious treats which are very bad for my health, but gives me the sugar boost and energy I need to get through the day/week. I feel this indulgent is becoming more and more frequent, leaving myself feeling insecure about my weight and body. It is not an excuse and I should not allow things to get on top of me, I have come so far. It feels I am constantly going round and round, getting no where stable.